


Light after the dark

by kurosuisen



Series: The light that never goes out [3]
Category: Dunkirk (2017)
Genre: Established Relationship, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Period-Typical Homophobia, Post-Canon, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-09-10
Updated: 2017-09-10
Packaged: 2018-12-26 07:18:31
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,139
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12054039
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kurosuisen/pseuds/kurosuisen
Summary: He had one excellent defence mechanism. He would never fall apart in front of other people’s eyes. Except Collins’.





	Light after the dark

**Author's Note:**

  * For [thrandymajestic](https://archiveofourown.org/users/thrandymajestic/gifts).



> This work is a part of _The light that never goes out_ universe. The action takes place somewhere in the middle of the chapter 3. of [Seaside](http://archiveofourown.org/works/11880570). _Light after the dark_ can be read standalone, but I highly recommend reading the whole story to understand the dynamic between characters. 
> 
>  As a writer, I'll be happy to get some feedback ;)
> 
> Enjoy!

‘Mister William Fitzhugh Farrier’ the man behind the desk narrowed his eyes, looking at him from above the documents he held in his hands. He was looking at the photo in the papers, then on the former soldier sitting in front of him, and then back on the photo. His face didn’t express anything. Farrier always thought that he was good at reading other people, but this man was like a blank card to him. ‘Four years in Royal Air Forces. 41 Squadron. The hero of the Dunkirk. Missing for five years after that event. Model pilot, model soldier. Sky Hunter, they used to call you.’

‘Yes, sir’ Farrier bowed, looking the man straight in the eye. ‘But I wouldn’t call myself a hero.’

‘You did not pass the psychological examination for the last squadron you have applied. Your presence here is as useless as you should have expected, Mister Farrier. You’re wasting your time’ the squadron’s leader looked up again at Farrier, but his gray eyes didn’t show any signs of interest about the man's presence in the office. The man wasn’t first who asked return to forces. Nor he was the last. ‘You will never be allowed to rejoin air forces.’

Farrier looked away, focusing eyes on the view behind the window. It was the second time his request was declined. And the second time he had been told the same thing. That he was not allowed to fly again because he was held captive for years. Collins was right when he once said that they were treated like a broken tools.

‘Do you really claim that those psychological questionnaires are able to go through my mental state and assess it right, Sir?’ he asked. His voice could be calm, but he didn’t feel calm. Being in the air was like being in his element. He couldn’t imagine giving it up.

‘No, Mister Farrier. We do not trust those measures completely’ replied the man. His face stayed expressionless. ‘As for you, the camp is the answer. Please, do not waste your time applying again. Give the chances for the younger boys, those who haven’t seen what you have seen.’

‘You’ve read my papers, sir. I have experience’ he didn’t give up even if one look at the man was enough to guess his answer. ’If you don’t want me on the missions, I can serve as a trainer.’

‘Your request is declined, Mister Farrier’ serious tone of the man wasn’t enough to make the ex-soldier withdraw. ‘You had your time in the army and now you are retired.  None of your future request will be accepted. That is all I have to say to you. You are dismissed. Goodbye, Mister Farrier.’

The man pursed his lips into a narrow line and slowly got up from the chair. If they didn’t want Collins in the air again, why would they want him? How could he even have any hopes for that?

‘Yes, sir. Good bye’ he replied. His voiced sounded a little harsh, but it remained calm.

He was calm until the moment he closed the door of his car. He hit the steering wheel with a clenched fist, annoyed. Some part of him had understood reasons behind this decision well, while the other was ready to fight and prove that it wasn’t right to decline his request. He was fully capable of flying.

He rested his head on the steering wheel, feeling completely helpless. He wanted to return to normal life. And his definition of normal life was going up to the sky by plane. And just as Collins was able to find his own niche, the doors to the niche that seemed obvious to Farrier was closed before him.

He knew it was the middle of the week, he also knew that by the time he gets there, Collins would probably be sleeping, but he needed to meet him. It took him five minutes to calm down and put himself together enough to run the engine and drive straight to the north. Probably driving such a distance while he was so tense was far from being a good idea, but he would go mad if he had to stay in London alone for one more day. It wasn’t the first reckless decision he had made since he started living in London. And it was all because he was counting the days for Collins to move in with him, but there was still months of waiting left.

If it wasn’t for the fuels tank capacity, he would drive all the way to Edinburgh with no break. He was exhausted when he finally stopped his car on the street in front of the building where Collins lived. The light in his flat was off and it was no surprise given the fact that it was almost midnight.

Knocking on Collins’ door was not the easy part. He didn’t want to scare him knocking too loud and at the same time he had to knock loud enough to wake him up. He was ready to go back to his car and arrange sleeping on the backseat when the door finally opened.

Collins was quiet for a few seconds. Visibly shaken awake, he needed some time to process the fact that Farrier was actually there. He bit his lips and slowly lifted up his hand to touch the man’s arm as if he wanted to make sure that the older man was really there.

Farrier would agree that coming here at this time was far from being reasonable. He also lifted up his hand to cover the other one’s hand with his own. It was enough to make the other man nod a little and let him in.

‘It’s late’ he started, slowly, as if he wanted to begin the conversation somehow. But instead of continuing, he embraced the shorter man with his arms tightly.

Farrier gasped at the touch and instinctively clenched his hands in blonde’s shirt. It was all he needed to finally let go of all the emotions. The touch was enough for him to start trembling, his breath getting shallow. Suddenly all the images from his memories, that seemed crawling under his skin, were back, hit him with vividness and loudness. The screams, the deafening sound drilling through his brain, the blood in the corner of eyes, the bodies curled up in agonizing pain. He clenched his fists harder and Collins could feel the man’s nails digging into the skin of his back. It wasn’t so painful to back off when his partner needed him. He went all the way from London to Edinburgh just to shatter into pieces before him.

Collins’ lips brushed the other man’s forehead softly. He lifted his hands to cover the man’s ears. The gesture seemed useless – all of the voices were in Farrier’s head so he couldn’t just drown them out with his hands. But this gentle touch was soothing to ex-pilot. As if Collins’ hands could make the voices in his head quieter, less disturbing.

‘Hush… You’re far from that place now. No sound can reach you here’ whispered the blonde man and leaned to him to kiss his closed eyes. Collins’ heart sank at the sight of Farrier closing his eyes tight. He couldn’t get used to this. It hurt to see him like that. He could only hoping that one day the ghosts of his past would disappear. ‘Open your eyes, love. The images won’t stop if you keep creating darkness around you.’

The older man bit his lips and Collins could notice how he was fighting with himself to open his eyes. But he did. There was a trace of tears in the corners of his eyes, so the blonde kissed them away. It had been some time until Farrier got learned that the tears were nothing to be ashamed of.

‘Is it better now, love?’ asked Collins and brushed the other one’s lips with his own. He smiled at the sudden grip of Farrier’s fingers on his wrist. The blonde smiled again when the man slowly put a hand to his hand. Collins' hands, with hardened fingertips, always dirty with ink, fit perfectly into Farrier's large hands marked with scars. It was the older one to smile slightly when their fingers clutched tightly.

‘Better’ he agreed weakly although there was still some anxiety in his voice.

‘So… Will you tell me what happened then, Hugh…?’ Collins asked carefully and gently run his fingers through the man’s hair. It was longer than he ever remembered. ‘If I am not wrong, you drove all the way from London to my place, stopping only on the petrol station.’

‘I missed you’ replied Farrier briefly, but it took only a few seconds before the man bit his lips and looked at his lover, still visibly anxious. ‘You’re not wrong. You’re never wrong. You were right saying that they don’t need us in the air forces anymore.’

‘Oh’ Collins’ answer was short because he was a little shocked at the man’s words. He never thought that Farrier would seriously consider trying his best in the army again, just like he did. But now his reckless journey made sense. If Collins was there to stop him, he would never let him go to the squadron’s leader and apply for the air forces again. It hurt him when he was declined and he knew Farrier was far more engaged in flying. He was born to be a pilot. And they shattered all the dreams and hope that he still had left.

‘You were right. We were just tools’ Farrier whispered and Collins froze at his words. He had never said it so literally.

‘No. Don’t think like that’ he said and gently kissed the man’s lips. He could not be convinced of this for himself, but he would never say that to Farrier. ‘Come on, I’ll make you a hot tea. With ginger, just the way you like, love.’

He took Farrier’s hand in his own and led him to the kitchen. He put the cold kettle on the gas, feeling the other one’s gaze following his every move. He used to do that lately – watching everything he does. Once Collins asked about it – the question made Farrier embarrassed, but he replied. The older pilot said that he wanted to observe all the little things about him that he didn’t have chance to see during their times in the air forces.

They were silent until the moment Collins put the cup of almost boiling hot tea on the table where the other one was sitting. The air in the kitchen was filled with spicy smell of ginger. He smiled, watching the man laid his scarred hands on the hot surface. He could never understand how the other one was able to do it when he could barely keep the cup for seconds.

‘Listen, Hugh. We were needed back then’ he said with a soft voice. Farrier looked away and slowly lifted a cup to his lips, to sip a hot tea. ‘Every each of us was needed. You were needed as well. You did an excellent job at the coast there and it was one of the factors that saved people’s life. Now… We need ourselves. Our lives back. Not the army, love.’

Farrier’s hands shuddered at those words and a little amount of the tea spilled on the table. He hissed quietly, but Collins gently put his hands with a tea back on the table and grabbed some cloth, to clear the wet spot.

‘Listen… I know it was important for you, Hugh’ he said gently and kneeled down on the floor next to him, to embrace the man with his arm. ‘I know that, dove. You weren’t the only one who wanted to join the army again. But it’s past our time there. You joining air forces would separate us. And… I don’t want that for us. I want you around for a very long time.’

Farrier bit his lips. Collins was right again.

‘I just… I just want to fly again. Is it so wrong, Fin?’ he asked trying to keep his voice stable and failing terribly.

‘It’s not wrong, love’ Collins smiled at the sound of his middle name. Farrier was getting better if he was using it. ‘No one said you can’t fly again. Your pilot license is still active. It’s just not the easiest thing to do to get a plane, but… Why would you limit yourself thinking that it’s not possible?’ he laughed, trying to clear the air between them, even if only a little. ‘Come on, Farrier. Let’s fly again someday.’

*

The first days after Collins moved out to the place they were supposed to share, were blissful. Unexpectedly blissful, because they had to spend hours rearranging things and shopping to make the place comfortable for living for the two of them. They were both surprised to realise that they both gathered quite much things and they had to think of finding a space to put everything and not make the small flat cluttered.

It seemed that nothing could stop their little moment of pure happiness. Finally, after all those years, they were back together, this time starting making their life together.

The first time Farrier was about to open the door, going back from work and realising that there is someone waiting for him instead of this terrible silence, he froze. He stood there for a few minutes with the sudden feeling of fear that it could be just a dream and in reality Collins was still on the other end of the country. He would stand there for another couple of minutes, but the blonde man opened the door, visibly confused.

‘Heard your footsteps on the stairs. Why would you stand here so long? Did something happen?’

Farrier blinked at him and laughed. Collins could not be more real with his concerned, but also a little suspicious voice. The other thing that could not be more real was the strange smell of something burning that he could smell from the flat.

‘What’s that smell, Fin?’ he asked, passing the younger man by and entered the kitchen to find out that the window was open wide and there was something black on the pan. The gray smoke was still rising in the air.

‘Your dinner’ replied Collins with a deadly serious tone.

Farrier frowned and looked at the pan again. If he wasn’t the one doing groceries shopping, he would never recognise the perfectly fine piece of meat that he bought in what was left on the pan. He had a comment for this on the tip of his tongue, but decided not to say it aloud for the sake of peaceful evening they were both looking forward to. Instead he just nodded at his words and decided to prepare something quickly.

They needed to start living together to realise that what they once knew about each other was still only a small piece of what there was to know. Every day brought new answers, those they would never even think to ask.  Even if they could read each other’s with no words, there was still much to discover.

A little sleepy before the work Farrier stopped his car on the street and get off the car to stop by the cake shop. He knew that Collins wasn’t as fond of sweets as he was, so the younger man usually didn’t even consider buying anything on his way home.  This time was no exception, he didn’t find anything sweet at home, so Farrier decided to stop by to buy some cake – it wasn’t like he was good at baking himself and if he’d ever encouraged Collins to do so, it would probably end up as disaster, with destroyed oven and half of the kitchen dirty. And it was the optimistic option.

Luckily the tea made by Collins was the treasure of the world.

He smiled at the women in the shop – she used to tell him which cake he should choose, always sincere about the freshness of products. Collins didn’t like her because he said that the woman seemed to flirt with Farrier. The older man would never notice that and he didn’t know whether he should trust Collins on this, because he wasn’t the most reliable source of this kind of information. But after his remark, Farrier felt a little uncomfortable around her and he behaved as if he didn’t notice that he might in fact flirt with him.

He left the shop with a paper bag, wondering if there was something left he was supposed to buy. He made it back to his car and drove ahead to the plane workshop where he worked.

Farrier liked his job. He liked to be around the machines, he liked the steady sounds of the engines he restored to the proper condition. He also liked the fact that amongst their crew, he was one of the two men who had a pilot licence so he could test planes before they were returned to their owners. His co-workers knew about his past, but as he never showed any signs of being unstable in front of their eyes, they were decent enough not to ask.

‘Oi, Farrier! Got a job for you…!’ he was welcomed with a familiar voice of his boss before he got out of the car. He left his jacket in the car and greeted the others, looking discreetly at the watch on his wrist. He wasn’t late, it was them who were there too early. He never came earlier than necessary because he liked to snuggle in bed with Collins for as long as it was possible since the younger man usually left after him.

He nodded at the boss’ words and went inside the building to quickly change in his working clothes. When he went to the workshop part, he was left speechless at the sight of army plane. It wasn’t his beloved Spitfire, but he knew that model, he used to fly this machine once or twice. All the thoughts he had just a moment ago somehow were gone. He snaps out of this when his boss patted him on the shoulder.

‘That’s the beauty you’re will take care of, Farrier’ said the man and the pilot looked at him confused.

‘But we don’t repair army’s fleet, boss’ he send the man questioning look.

‘We don’t. But you will’ the man smiled at him and Farrier bit his lips, trying to guess what could he mean. ‘You’re good, son. That’s your chance. I recommended you to someone important and if you’ll do well, you might be needed in the event of vacancy.’

He wanted to say something, but was too stunned to reply. He didn’t have the chance because the man left him alone with the plane. He was looking at the plane, unable to process what he had just heard. Feeling a little dizzy he raised his hand to slowly move his fingers on the shiny cold surface. It was not as smooth as the surface of his beloved plane, but when he closed his eyes he could imagine that it was the Spitfire he touched.

Touching the plane’s wings brought back old memories, those that would never fade away. He would not say that the last flight with his Spitfire was spectacular. He had better ones. But he remembered every second of it. He remembered how focused he remained, determined to measure the level of fuel, to make sure he would complete the mission. And he remembered his beautiful plane burning so that no one could fly it again. He was watching it, feeling as if some part of his heart was burning and hoping that the other part of his heart was still alive.

He needed to find out what was the technical reason why the plane was brought here so he went outside. His boss was already giving some tasks for this day when the newsboy came. The boy was liked in their workshop because sometimes after his shift he agreed to go to the closest shop to buy some food for them.

‘A newspaper, sirs?’ asked the boy, with one hand clenched on the bike’s handlebar and the second one waving newspapers at them. Farrier smiled when the boy came closer and he gave the newsboy some coins, grasping the newspaper from him. ‘Thank you, Mr. Farrier! Mr. Chandler?’

The boy shifted his gaze at Farrier’s boss. No one noticed how the pilot’s gaze became a little hazy for a few seconds.

There was an interview in the newspaper. The talk with a soldier that used to be taken captive in French and held in camp for years. There was a big photo of said man taken probably short after he was released from the camp. He had his arms and face burned. The interview was accompanied with some powerful quotes highlighted in the frames.

One look at the photo, one look at the title and quick glance at the quotation was enough for him to feel as if there was a lump of ice going down his throat. The memories were back again, making him a little breathless.

Farrier folded the newspaper in half in a nervously manner. He took a deep breath. He couldn’t bear looking at the cover again. He looked around, but there was no place where he could just throw the paper away, so that no one would notice that.

‘Farrier! Can I read after you’re done?’ the man a little younger that him called his name.

Another deep breath and Farrier turned back at him as if nothing had happened, even though his mind still was attacking him with vivid images from his past.

‘Want it now, Sid? I’ll read it later. Have a job to do!’

The younger man nodded and approached the pilot to take the newspaper from him. He couldn’t sense that there was something wrong with his colleague, because Farrier knew how to remain calm in those kinds of situations.

Even after he got the information about the army plane to repair, he couldn’t bring himself to focus on the work. His mind was preoccupied – the article brought back the worst of his memories while the plane kept reminding him of the moment he was actually prepared for death. It took him some time until he was able to check the plane in his usual routine. When Sid brought him back the newspaper, he thanked him, but never looked at it again.

It seemed that he forgot about the article by the time he got home. He was listening to Collins telling him things about his new work and how things would go to work for him then, but somehow, in the back of his mind, still were those thoughts about events in camp. The other man noticed that he acted a little distant, but didn’t ask. Farrier had always appreciated the fact that as long as something terribly wrong wasn’t going on with him, Collins waited for him to start talking instead of asking.

The article was left in the workshop, but its topic stayed in his mind for hours, somehow returning in different images and thoughts. He was convinced that he’ll forget, but the visions of the camp came back to him in the middle of the night, bad dreams making him awake abruptly. His breath was uneven, his skin wet of sweat, his hands trembling, clutching the sheets as if it was the only thing keeping him in the real world while the images of the nightmares was still before his eyes. He could almost feel the pain on his skin, the cut so deep to make him hiss, but not enough to make him loose consciousness.

The pain mixed with a soothing feeling of the warm arms embracing him and soft lips kissing his neck. Collins might not be completely awake yet, but his body knew what to do, to comfort his partner. Farrier was shivering, so he embraced him tightly, pressing the man’s back to his chest, keeping him as close as it was possible.

‘I’m here, love’ Collins whispered, his warm breath tickled the older man’s ear gently. Farrier shivered again, but this time because Collins kissed the sensitive spot on his neck. ‘It was only a bad dream. You’re home now. You’re safe.’

Farrier nodded, but there were still images coming back to him. Sometimes he felt guilty that he was back from the camp and yet so many people died there. He felt guilty that he did nothing to save them. He felt guilty and the vivid images of people that were dying before his eyes were coming back to him. He wanted to scream and he wanted to cry. But instead he turned back to Collins and nestled his face in the man’s neck, needing to hide from the whole world in his arms.

‘Hugh… I’m with you, you’re safe…’

Collins whispered to him in a soothing manner. Slowly, his voice barely audible, but he had his lips so close to Farrier’s ear that he didn’t miss any words. With each passing second he focused less on the words and more on the tone of his voice. There was so much warmth in Collins’ voice that he felt as it was enough to make him stop shivering from imaginary cold he had felt.

He didn’t protest when the man slowly took off his shirt, claiming that it was wet. He bit his lips when Collins got up from the bed – he only approached the wardrobe, but it was far enough to make Farrier feel a little upset. Farrier didn’t protest when the other man pulled out and came back to bed to gently wipe off the sweat from his forehead and then his chest and back. The older pilot’s breath was steadier when Collins dressed him up in a clean shirt.

He let the other man laid him down on the bed and when he finally closed his eyes, the images were gone.

*

Farrier was nervous. Collins was supposed to be back from his hometown in the morning, but when the man was leaving for work, he was still not there. He was worried that something happened. Collins would always keep his promises and he was always on time. Farrier felt himself panic and there was no way to quickly contact Collins as there was no phone in his job place. He took some break during work hours and went to the closest public phone to make a call.

‘Hello? Collins here.’

Farrier was speechless for a few seconds, when he recognized his lover’s father’s voice. He couldn’t remember the voice, but somehow he just knew that it was him.

‘Uhm… Good morning, Mr. Collins. Is James home maybe? I-I… I have some question for him.’

‘And you are…?’

‘James’ flatmate, sir’ Farrier replied quickly. He hated to say that, he hated the fact that for the world he had to be just his flatmate, a friend.

‘Oh. Mr. Farrier then. I’ll get my son, wait a moment please.’

Farrier leaned his head on the telephone, waiting. Every second seemed like eternity until he heard his lover’s voice:

‘Farrier? What’s going… Oh. God, I’m so stupid’ the moment Farrier had heard the other man’s voice, he felt his heart beating faster. He didn’t need much to feel the warm feeling in his chest. It took him a few seconds to realise that Collins had lowered his voice. ‘I’m so sorry, I’m stupid. I called you this morning, but I must have called too late. I was about to drive back to London yesterday, but it turned out that my sister was about to give birth and I had to stay for a night.’

‘But you’re okay?’ Farrier asked, not focusing much on the reason Collins gave him.

‘Yeah, I’m good, Hugh. So don’t worry. I’ll be back at night. I’d appreciate some night dinner when I’ll be back.’

‘And the dinner you shall have’ Farrier laughed, feeling relieved. ‘Please be back soon. Love you.’

‘So do I’ the older man bit his lips, knowing that it was the most he could get from him when there were his family around.

‘Drive safe, please.’

They hang up the phone and Farrier exhaled slowly, relieved. Nothing was wrong. Nothing bad happened to the man he loved. It was only about his sister that he knew so little about, because Collins used to say that they weren’t close.

He was much calmer when he went back to work. He did some shopping and at home he busied himself with cooking. To make a dinner – just as he promised to Collins. He could wait if he knew that the man was coming back. He was always very anxious about his lover being late, but he tried not to show him that because he know it make the other man feel bad about himself. That was one of the days, when he couldn’t stop himself and he just needed to call him to make sure that everything was all right.

It could be everything all right with Collins, but not with him.

After Collins moved in, Farrier started to have problems with sleeping when the other man wasn’t home. He usually found himself tossing in the bed, unable to sleep for the half night. He was looking for the familiar warmth of Collins’ body. And when he fell asleep, his sleep was restless. That time it wasn’t much different. He fell asleep long after midnight and not for a long time because the heavy thunder woke him up.

The rain was hitting hard in their window and the claps of thunder were so loud that it made him terrified. He scanned the room quickly, but there was no trace of Collins yet. There was only him and the darkness that was abruptly broken by the blinding lightning strike. He shivered and covered himself with a blanket, trying to remain calm. But the loudness opened up his imagination to the sounds he wanted to avoid for the rest of life.

Another lightning broke the sky and Farrier curled up on the bed, trying unsuccessfully to take a deep breath. He couldn’t. The sounds in his mind became louder than the thunder. The images became more vivid, more chaotic and it made him feel dizzy. He clutched his fingers in the fabric of blanket, trying to focus on something different, but even the image of Collins would become blurry, even his voice would be disturbed with piercing sound he still remembered.

Farrier kept his eyes tightly closed because when he opened eyes, there were even more images and he was having doubts which one were real and which weren’t. His breath was fast and shallow and the thunder was still so loud making him tremble.

He tried to ignore all the sounds, but the claps of thunder weren’t something he was able to ignore. He froze when suddenly he heard something extremely different from those disturbing sounds. A soothing, delicate melody that seemed to break through the chaos of thunder. For a moment he thought it was his imagination making tricks on him. For a moment he thought it was his mind trying to fight with the fear. But he recognised the melody.

Slowly, he opened his eyes, to see Collins standing in the middle of the room, with violin in his hands, playing. The melody was calm, but bright. It used to remind him of the sea. The gentle sound of violin made him shiver, but this time it was something he usually felt when walking along the coast and the gentle breeze brushed his skin. He closed his eyes slowly and there was a slight smile on his lips, because the melody seemed to disperse the images in his mind, slowly replacing it with the good memories when they were walking by the sea together.

As the thunder slowly went quieter, Collins continued playing until the moment he was sure that the loud sounds will not attack the man anymore. Farrier opened his eyes to see his lover kneeling on the floor beside the bed. The violin was already back in the case. It wasn’t the first time he used his violin to calm him down. In fact it was a pure accident that they discovered that this melody could soothe him. Collins was practicing for his classes when the thunder started. He was ready to calm Farrier down, but instead he saw him sitting on the floor with his eyes closed, focused more on the melody than the storm behind the window. That time was no different. Farrier looked up, trying to find Collins’ sky blue eyes. A small smile appeared on his lips when their eyes met.

‘Glad you’re back, love.’

*

Farrier didn’t like London and he repeated it several time. It was too far from the sea – he used to say. But it was where he got the job that finally satisfied him. The job that allowed him to be around the machines he loved made him happy and Collins was also happy seeing that he finally had found the place he fitted.

When Farrier stopped insisting to move out, he started insisting to go to the seaside as often as it was possible. Sometimes they just visited Farrier’s mother and sometimes they went to see different places, to sit for hours on the rocky coast, to lay on the sandy beach, watching the sunny sky during a day and watching the stars at night or even trotting on horseback trough the green shore. And if that was what made Farrier happy, Collins was more than willing to accompany his trips. He never enjoyed the seaside so much before he become so close with Farrier.

Everywhere they went, Farrier used to say that he could live there, painting the idyllic picture of what they could have there. Usually during those short trips, Farrier remained calm, nothing could make his mood change. The sea made miracles to keep him sane. But not always. Farrier still had some fights with his demons, even though they happened less often.

The fall rains seemed heavier at the seaside.  The wind made the sea rough and the rough sea made Farrier restless. If Collins expected that the weather would be like that, he would never left London.

It was the middle of the night when he woke up, feeling strangely cold. He looked around sleepily and was ready to go back to sleep when he realised the reason of the cold. Farrier was not in bed with him. The balcony doors of their little hotel room were wide open and he was standing there, letting the rain and freeze air inside. Collins didn’t care about the cold, nor rain. He realised that the man stood in the rainstorm, completely soaked. He didn’t even had his shirt on.

Collins was quickly on his feet and stood right behind the man’s back, watching him concerned. The raindrops were cold as ice on his skin and he could see the goosebumps on Farrier’s shoulders. First instinct was always to grasp him and pull him back to the room, but he knew better that such a sudden actions doesn’t work well for the older one.

Instead he put a hand on his shoulder and smiled when the man didn’t shudder at his touch.

‘What are you doing, love?’ he asked and gently wrapped his arms around Farrier’s chest. He nestled his face in the man’s neck. His skin was so cold that Collins would find it hard to believe he was still standing if he didn’t know his habits better.

‘I’m trying to wash away all the dirt and blood from my skin’ was the reply that made Collins tremble a little. He closed his eyes, feeling tears in the corner of his eyes. It always hurt to see him like that, but Collins knew he had to be the stronger one during those moments.

‘And isn’t it washed away already, Hugh?’ he asked and slowly brushed the man’s chest with his fingers to stop his hand where his heart was beating.

‘No. It’s still there, Fin’ he answered briefly as if it was the most obvious thing in the world.

‘Is there something I can do for you, Hugh?’ Collins kissed the man’s neck gently and close his eyes to focus on the steady beating of Farrier’s heart.

‘I… I’d like you to stay here, but I feel that if you stay here longer, you’ll get dirty as well’ the older one whispered. Even though his body was so cold, his voice sounded surprisingly steady.

‘I won’t get dirty, love’ Collins promised and smiled when he felt the man’s hand covering his own on the place where Farrier’s heart was. ‘I’m resistant to this, Hugh.’

He wasn’t resistant to cold and yet he held his lover tightly and was standing with him in the dense rain, because it was something Farrier needed. It was raining so hard and no one was out to see the two men standing in the tight embrace on the balcony, both looking at the raging sea.

The rain was getting softer when Farrier gently moved in his arms. Collins gave him an exhausted smile when they eyes met and took his hand in his own to lead him inside. They were silent when the younger man was taking their wet clothes off. He grasped the towel hanging on the chair and was a little surprised to see Farrier doing the same thing. The younger man closed his eyes and let him dry his skin. The man’s touch was unbelievable gently – Collins expected something else after that they’d spent standing in the rain. He smiled at himself, realising that this strange need that Farrier had, had actually made him feel better. He could feel that in every touch of him and he could notice that in his eyes.

It was around noon when Farrier woke up. He smiled seeing that the younger man was still asleep so he could lie on the side and watch him. It wasn’t unusual for him to wake up earlier, but often he didn’t have time to just lay like that, with no rush, no need to care about the world around.

When he brushed Collins’ light hair with his fingers, it was still slightly wet. Farrier smiled, watching as the other one whisper something in his sleep. He regretted he couldn’t understand a word from this murmur. It always touched his heart when the man was looking for his hand while sleeping. He felt the most important person in the world in those short moments. He slowly kissed the man’s hand and bit his lips when he realised that he can feel the gaze of sky blue eyes on himself. Sometimes he forgot that Collins was actually a light sleeper, so it took one unnecessary move to wake him up.

‘Want to eat breakfast at the beach?’ asked the blonde and kissed the Farrier’s hand. ‘It’s not raining anymore. And we haven’t been on the beach yet.’

‘It’s wet outside’ Farrier replied and gasped, when the younger one leaned closer to him to kiss him. He laughed. ‘Okay. I’ll take breakfast out.’

He got up from bed, watching as the other man snuggle in sheets, saying that he needs five minutes to go. It was enough time for him to dress up and go down to the hotel bar and get them some breakfast out. By the time he went back to the room, Collins was ready.

Beach wasn’t the best place for breakfast. The sand was wet and there was no point in sitting there, so they decided that the pier was suitable idea. As always they sat on the edge, watching the bluish sky. At last there was no single cloud on the sky so Farrier was hoping that there will be no rain anymore during their little trip.

‘Thank you for the night. I… I think I needed it’ he whispered at the man, glad that Collins didn’t make any remark about events in the rain.

The coffee in the thermos was definitely too cold for Farrier’s liking. Collins laughed at his face because for him it was simply perfect – slightly cooled, the one that was actually drinkable without burning the tongue. He promised to make Farrier some hot coffee after they’d be back to the hotel.

Maybe the older pilot had stopped insisting to move out to the seaside, but the way he kept reminding him that the breakfast, lunch and dinner always tasted the best at the seaside was enough to make Collins laugh. When they’d heard the sound of plane engines and a plane appeared on the sky, Farrier noticed the other’s concerned look. It was a military jet, probably trainer one because even from the ground they could see the cabin for two pilots. The older man only smiled at the look. He missed flying, but he learned that he could enjoy his life to the fullest even without it. He had Collins and he would never replace living with him for flying.

At first, he smiled when he felt Collins leaning his head on his arm. It wasn’t a big gesture, it was something a friend could do as long as he didn’t do anything more. But for him the gesture meant anything. But when the blonde stopped replying at his words, only humming something or laughing quietly, Farrier gave him a suspicious look. And then he frowned at the sight of those blue eyes visibly hazy.

‘Fin? Are you even listening to me, love?’ he whispered and put his hand on the younger man’s forehead. It was hot and even though Collins tried to keep his eyes focused on Farrier, he had visible problem with that. ‘You’re feverish... We have to take you back to the room.’

‘What? No… Don’t worry. Good. I’m good…’ Collins laughed, trying to pretend that there was everything okay with him, but he couldn’t even keep his voice steady.

‘You’re far from being good, Fin. Oh, god, it’s my fault’ he reproach himself, but there was no time to feel guilty. He had to take care of the younger man just as he took care of him every time he needed him to.

‘Don’t take me to the doctor. Don’t want to’ Collins squinted his eyes and he had to lean on the wooden beams not to keep himself from losing balance.

‘If you will need a doctor, you will see a doctor’ Farrier quickly picked up everything to his backpack and he grabbed Collins his waist to help him get up.

He would just pick him up, but it would look strange in the other people’s eyes, so he lead him back to their hotel room, asking questions to make sure he was conscious. He was awake for the whole route, but his replies barely made sense. The first thought that came to him was to put Collins to bathtub, but he decided that the younger man had enough water from last night. Farrier had to get his fever down in a different way.

It took him a long time before Collins let Farrier lay him down on bed. His face was flushed and the whispers were barely understandable. He covered the younger man with quilt and adjusted his pillow. Collins was barely able to keep his eyes open, but he tried anyway, watching his every move. It was when Farrier realised that he always did the same when the younger man was taking care of him. He exhaled and looked around as if he could get any advices of how to help him. It wasn’t like he was the best at taking care of someone who was ill, but decided not to panic – if the other’s condition gets worse, he would ask for a doctor.

‘Fin?’ he spoke softly, leaning to him to touch his forehead. It was still burning. ‘Fin, try not to fall asleep yet, please. Could you do it for me, love? I’ll go downstairs to get you something for fever.’

Collins nodded slowly at his words, but Farrier wasn’t convinced that he’ll stay awake. He knew that the man needed to sleep, but he wanted him to get something for fever before that. He kissed his burning forehead and left him alone in the room to go down and get something. It didn’t hurt to ask the lady in the reception for advice – she was willing to help and she brought him elder flower tea and raspberry juice, just like he asked. She also got him small towel and thermometer though he did not even think about using it before.

Just as he expected, Collins was half-asleep when he got back. He put the tea on the bedtime cabinet and went to the bathroom to come back with a bowl of lukewarm water. He sat beside him and put a wet cloth on his forehead. Collins whispered something and the older pilot bit his lips. If it wasn’t for him, he would not be standing in the cold rain at night.

‘Hush, love… Let me take care of you, could you?’ he whispered and took the cup of tea in his hand. It was too hot for the other man to drink this, so he grasped the teaspoon. He blew into a hot liquid to make it colder and then carefully he gave it to Collins.

It took some time before Collins drank the whole cup of tea, but Farrier hoped it was worth it. In the meantime, he took his temperature and sighed with relief when it turned out not to be as high as he thought.

‘What is it…? The tea…’ Collins asked slowly when Farrier was changing the wet cloth on his forehead. The blonde’s face seemed a little less flushed, but his eyes were still hazy.

‘Elder flower tea. With a raspberry juice. Mum used to give it to me when I was a kid’ he replied and smiled, relieved that Collins seemed a little more conscious. ‘I was surprised that they have it here. Do you feel any better?’

‘I was good from the beginning’ was the reply he heard from Collins. Farrier laughed quietly. Only Collins could be barely conscious of fever and still deny the fact that he was ill. ‘But… Good. It’s the good tea. I would like some of that more often.’

‘I assure you that you will get some more of that tea today and tomorrow.’

 ‘I feel cold.’ Collins nodded and reached out his hands to him.

The older man gave him a slight smile and laid down on the side close to him. He put his arm around the blonde’s waist and smiled, watching as Collins slowly drifts to sleep. He stayed by his side, changing the cold compress on his forehead and taking the temperature, relieved that what seemed so terrifying for him, didn’t turn out to be so dangerous as he thought in the first moment of panic.

Still, he felt bad about having him there ill, when they were supposed to have a good time, enjoying their weekend off. They were both supposed to rest from their work. While Farrier needed a break to gain more physical strength, Collins needed to get rid of all the stress he kept in. But there was no way for the younger man to rest completely with him around.

Collins was always there for him. Patient and calm, with his soothing voice and words that were always so adequate to the state Farrier was in. The younger pilot knew exactly what to say and how to act to not make things worse for him. He knew when to act gently and when to be serious. He was so good for Farrier that he used to forget about himself. Just like the night that passed, when he stood with him in the rain, embracing him tightly to make him sure he wasn’t alone in that cage of memories.

His partner was so good at making him better that he didn’t care about making himself worse. And here was where his role started. He needed to stay stronger in the hardest moments. He needed to be able to protest when his lover would try too hard. Farrier needed to try to take care of him even slightly as good as the other one took care of him. And he knew he would. For the sake of Collins.


End file.
